Bared

Simple living matters most to me. Yet, life itself is too complex that even the simplest hopes and wishes of an ordinary farmer are fraught with hardships and obstacles.

I do not belong inside the box because I live unlike other individuals who follow the norms dictated by the times. I exist in the manner I prefer: live and let live.

People, most who personally knew me, knows me and acquainted about me, will not agree that I am the same person in the flesh. Positives or negatives, their notions on how I tick could only be described as clashing. I sow confusion by just being me, in people’s minds, that is. And I never intend it to be so.

When I open my mouth, there’s no denying I can express opinions and viewpoints that most people will adhere to. Or against. What vexes any listener is how I could start talking about an inane topic, for example cheap imported toys, for a few minutes, then all of a sudden I segue to world politics dealing with the international row between nations about disputed islands. I detect the ironies clearly. I like to connect the dots which some people do not even see in the first place.

I can be a pain sometimes, okay, most of the time. My fuzzy way of thinking could never be pigeon-holed into any category. This is why so many people like to paint me as a cuckoo. In all honesty, in my opinion, I think it is a compliment.

Oh, it’s just a small part of me. The rest is as human as any of you.

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Spaces

Gaps. Pauses.

Enthusiasm. Deflated.

Concentration. Aimless.

I thought I was ready to continue normal living. Alas, the difficulties cling to me like a malicious virus immune to removal. Perhaps, too soon is not for me. I tried hard to pick up where I left off but it would not work out. It was not me the way it used to be.

Can’t blame you all for your confusion, even disappointment for my online behavior. I suck, big time. There’s no excuse for giving you expectations which I could not exactly provide. I am at my worse, at this point the villain, the character who could not fulfill promises.

I have to stay offline most days to distract my mind from thinking of the would-haves, should-haves, could-haves-been, and all those scenarios that are worthless now. I have to focus on tomorrow yet the present won’t cooperate to subdue the past into becoming a blur for a time, giving me enough respite to see clearly where I am heading,

Inaction. Guilt.

Remorse. Redemption.

Time. Hope.

Lucidity still escapes my train of thoughts. I am not surprised at all.

I want to be back for good but I am still torn between two opposing halves. One is raring to go active surfing while the other half wants to be physically tired each day to force early sleep. During the past months, the latter practically dominated the former.

Nothing.

Something.

Patience.

 

Disoriented

Where was the point where I left off?

Like a program, I have not been updated for some time.

Scattered hints flash inside my head that I was once an enthusiastic blogger, reading innumerable posts with gusto, absorbing information like a sponge retaining water. I knew I was a long-time resident of this hang-out called WordPress, where the ins and outs were somewhat a vague memory today. I am still feeling my way in the dark.

When I saw my email inbox, I concluded that I was away far too long. I admit that the task of just checking them would be time-consuming, let alone read the contents of each notification.

I need time. A lot. I am sure you will extend to me all the leeway and tolerate my tardiness of reacting to your old comments. You are entitled of replies because you shared a moment or two to convey your thoughts. Everyone is greatly appreciated.

I might be too slow to catch up with your recent posts but in time I will see to it that I’ll do. Please wait for my visit.

I am most thankful that I have been, and still is, a part of WordPress’ blogging community. Now I am well aware what the word ‘support’ really means.

A productive day, everyone!

Duty

Bestowed on me is the responsibility of a good child. My parents reared and cared for me when I was young so it is only fair that I give back the same quality of time and effort they spent on my well-being during my growing years. It’s the way we were taught.

Sadly, I failed the task when Father was around though now I am given the chance to rectify that mistake by giving Mother more of my time. Given the opportunity to make amends, I am bound to keep her company for the rest of her days.

Yes, I will have lesser freedom when she stays with me. Much of my time wandering about would be restricted to short errands: no more long vacations. On the other hand, I could accompany her when she visits relatives. Her longer stay in their care could somewhat provide me with the same amount of time for myself. It’s a matter of scheduling and compromises, I suppose. A win-win formula so to speak.

Before I arrived at such an idea, I had to shuttle back and forth from my rural spot to the faraway city where she and her female cousin reside. Four round-trips later when the temporary accommodation that suited us both formed in my head. But such a scenario won’t do in the long run: money spent on travels could have been spent on more important needs such as food and medicines. A permanent solution has to be worked out.

In a few weeks, she will be here, at my place. She might rearrange my life as mothers often do with their children. I have to do a lot of explaining that I am old enough to do what must be done. But out of respect, she might get more of what she wants. (She is that good!)

She will hover around, getting on my nerves, making me laugh or irritated or both, asking too many questions why I am not chasing women, and all sorts of inquiries that even a genius could not answer. She might even dictate behind my back while I am blogging, retelling old stories that she thinks I might share with all of you.

Like my younger sister, a long-time inspiration for our family, Mother’s presence will always standout when she finally comes over and ruin my life -er, inspire me.

Mothers know best. Personally, I doubt that. 🙂

 

Desired

I have to admit I was at a loss when my father passed away. Our family of four was one less, a pillar removed, our stable state suddenly denied a solid foundation. Priorities were rearranged; the future uncertain.

Mother became my foremost reason to deny myself of any personal objectives. For a time, during my break, I began to accept that my life would be destined to caring for her: she is old and alone. Whatever I want or wish to do have to wait, her well-being stays first in my list.

Writing became a luxury, not a necessity. Slowly, I lost the desire to connect words and phrases to form a meaningful story. Although in my mind I possessed scrambled ideas and would-be plots, they faded quickly as soon as reality reminded me of what was more important at the moment.

But life is not always as one sees it. There will be times that the unexpected would introduce something favorable to what one first believed as an unfavorable situation. When there is that silver lining that one missed because of the dark clouds of confusion during an unfortunate incident, it might reappear some other time, ready to be taken advantage of to provide a compromise acceptable to everyone concerned.

It will come to us. We will talk and find a better set-up. Adjustments are necessary.

By the way, today is my inspiration’s birthday! If you have no idea who I am talking about, I guess you have to find out yourself by mining my old posts. 🙂

Have a wonderful day, guys and gals!

Nostalgic

Remember the old TV series Starsky and Hutch?

Well, that’s taking you back, way, way back! 🙂

Just so you know I am still around although not yet fully recovered.

I will be back! You can count on it!

(Just passing through this time.)

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Expected

Adjustments are necessary.

Fine tune the love till both sides get it right.

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