Spaces

Gaps. Pauses.

Enthusiasm. Deflated.

Concentration. Aimless.

I thought I was ready to continue normal living. Alas, the difficulties cling to me like a malicious virus immune to removal. Perhaps, too soon is not for me. I tried hard to pick up where I left off but it would not work out. It was not me the way it used to be.

Can’t blame you all for your confusion, even disappointment for my online behavior. I suck, big time. There’s no excuse for giving you expectations which I could not exactly provide. I am at my worse, at this point the villain, the character who could not fulfill promises.

I have to stay offline most days to distract my mind from thinking of the would-haves, should-haves, could-haves-been, and all those scenarios that are worthless now. I have to focus on tomorrow yet the present won’t cooperate to subdue the past into becoming a blur for a time, giving me enough respite to see clearly where I am heading,

Inaction. Guilt.

Remorse. Redemption.

Time. Hope.

Lucidity still escapes my train of thoughts. I am not surprised at all.

I want to be back for good but I am still torn between two opposing halves. One is raring to go active surfing while the other half wants to be physically tired each day to force early sleep. During the past months, the latter practically dominated the former.

Nothing.

Something.

Patience.

 

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11 thoughts on “Spaces

  1. Whatever it is you’re suffering I hope is soon solved for you.After all, you made a good contribution to the blogging community before but we realised it can’t always have been easy for you with work and with the interweb not being up all the time for you. So you feel you’ve let us down? You haven’t. I’ve been missing recently ill and am only just starting to come back, I’ve had to scrap thousands of messages and felt very guilty about it. It can’t be helped and I’m sure your problem is the same. Do what you can manage and the rest will come in time if that’s what you decide. As my friend above says, we’ll still be here.
    Hugs

  2. My prayer of healing to you in the name of Jesus. The Lord is your strength my brother. Take your time when you are able, come back and we will always be there for you.

  3. You have faced a big loss and a huge change in your life due to losing your father and then having things you must take care of. It is hard. Be good to yourself. It has been 14 months since the loss of my husband and I’m still experiencing all the things you mention. The guilt and remorse are the worst. I ask myself daily why I should try to carry on, but I push ahead. My blogging has also come to a near standstill. My heart isn’t in it. It’s exhausting to just wake up. Does it get better? I hope so, but so far…not so much. Take care.

  4. Understand completely. After my parents died, I only managed to accomplish what was absolutely necessary for a long time. We’ll be here when you’re ready.

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