Spaces

Gaps. Pauses.

Enthusiasm. Deflated.

Concentration. Aimless.

I thought I was ready to continue normal living. Alas, the difficulties cling to me like a malicious virus immune to removal. Perhaps, too soon is not for me. I tried hard to pick up where I left off but it would not work out. It was not me the way it used to be.

Can’t blame you all for your confusion, even disappointment for my online behavior. I suck, big time. There’s no excuse for giving you expectations which I could not exactly provide. I am at my worse, at this point the villain, the character who could not fulfill promises.

I have to stay offline most days to distract my mind from thinking of the would-haves, should-haves, could-haves-been, and all those scenarios that are worthless now. I have to focus on tomorrow yet the present won’t cooperate to subdue the past into becoming a blur for a time, giving me enough respite to see clearly where I am heading,

Inaction. Guilt.

Remorse. Redemption.

Time. Hope.

Lucidity still escapes my train of thoughts. I am not surprised at all.

I want to be back for good but I am still torn between two opposing halves. One is raring to go active surfing while the other half wants to be physically tired each day to force early sleep. During the past months, the latter practically dominated the former.

Nothing.

Something.

Patience.

 

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Disoriented

Where was the point where I left off?

Like a program, I have not been updated for some time.

Scattered hints flash inside my head that I was once an enthusiastic blogger, reading innumerable posts with gusto, absorbing information like a sponge retaining water. I knew I was a long-time resident of this hang-out called WordPress, where the ins and outs were somewhat a vague memory today. I am still feeling my way in the dark.

When I saw my email inbox, I concluded that I was away far too long. I admit that the task of just checking them would be time-consuming, let alone read the contents of each notification.

I need time. A lot. I am sure you will extend to me all the leeway and tolerate my tardiness of reacting to your old comments. You are entitled of replies because you shared a moment or two to convey your thoughts. Everyone is greatly appreciated.

I might be too slow to catch up with your recent posts but in time I will see to it that I’ll do. Please wait for my visit.

I am most thankful that I have been, and still is, a part of WordPress’ blogging community. Now I am well aware what the word ‘support’ really means.

A productive day, everyone!

Desired

I have to admit I was at a loss when my father passed away. Our family of four was one less, a pillar removed, our stable state suddenly denied a solid foundation. Priorities were rearranged; the future uncertain.

Mother became my foremost reason to deny myself of any personal objectives. For a time, during my break, I began to accept that my life would be destined to caring for her: she is old and alone. Whatever I want or wish to do have to wait, her well-being stays first in my list.

Writing became a luxury, not a necessity. Slowly, I lost the desire to connect words and phrases to form a meaningful story. Although in my mind I possessed scrambled ideas and would-be plots, they faded quickly as soon as reality reminded me of what was more important at the moment.

But life is not always as one sees it. There will be times that the unexpected would introduce something favorable to what one first believed as an unfavorable situation. When there is that silver lining that one missed because of the dark clouds of confusion during an unfortunate incident, it might reappear some other time, ready to be taken advantage of to provide a compromise acceptable to everyone concerned.

It will come to us. We will talk and find a better set-up. Adjustments are necessary.

By the way, today is my inspiration’s birthday! If you have no idea who I am talking about, I guess you have to find out yourself by mining my old posts. 🙂

Have a wonderful day, guys and gals!

Spinner

After I was forced to log off yesterday, I went out for a walk: to simmer down a bit.

A few minutes later, down the road toward the irrigation canal, I encountered another godson of mine. He rode his bike as if he was hounded by a pack of dogs: he raced, to be exact.

I raised my right hand to signal him to stop. Naturally, I expected him to obey me, sure that with his excellent sight he could recognize me a hundred yards away.

He passed me by, nearly sideswiped me with the rear wheel as he sped off downhill. I was afraid he would take a tumble but fortunately he excellently handled the bumps and holes in the uneven gravel secondary road.

I shrugged off the miss encounter as something ordinary, tossing in my head several theories why I received the snub.

When I reached home an hour later, he stood by my gate with another godson, my frequent visitor. They were in an animated conversation, hands motioning in the air as if their subject involved flying.

“Care to share with me the gossip?” I interrupted, opening the imaginary gate.

They laughed at my antic, accustomed to the way I interact with them.

“Ninong, last night I saw an aswang outside our house!”

As curious as I was with the startling news, I calmly toned down my reaction, not contradicting him directly. I was most certain that his claim of seeing the folkloric local vampire was just a figment of his imagination.

“Did you not see me earlier?” I asked, diverting their attention toward reality.

“I was afraid so I did not look. Father told me to stop at nothing lest I could be snatched by the aswang.”

“Can you describe to me what you saw?” I asked, accepting his alibi.

“It was black as night, tall as a tree and silent as a mouse.”

“I saw something like it at home, too.”

My frequent visitor would not be defeated. He would match the story to stay in the forefront.

“I hate to tell you this but what you saw was your shadow. Look!” I pointed to them their afternoon black cast on the ground.

“But that’s at the back,” he reasoned out. “What I saw was in front.”

The lack of simple observation skill and the strategy of casting fear to a young mind created such a condition. Parents do not want their children wandering around at night so the tale was told.

“If you do not believe me, go out at night along with your father or mother, check out what I told you.”

Unimpressed, they politely waved me their goodbyes, probably thinking I was born a skeptic. Not true, of course.

Early this morning, my frequent visitor passed by on the way to school. He grinned to the max.

“You’re right, Ninong,” he reported. “I saw it.”

“I told you so.”

“But, there is an aswang,” he countered.

“Why are you so sure?” I asked.

“I heard mother calling father aswang last night after our lights went out.”

I said nothing further. Sometimes children misinterpret words they were not old enough to understand.

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Sorry So

I know most of you do not experience connection headaches. You go online and never see that spinning wheel for a second. Good for you. You do not get stressed the way we do.

Well, modern technology is great, most especially if it’s functioning as promised. But if not, it’s like driving a Formula One race car at 2 miles per hour top speed. I am sure you follow my drift.

Sometimes I feel like going ballistic, zeroing in on my target and detonating a kiloton of complaints. But then, I backtrack, fully knowing that I could not make a dent against the thickened skin of the giant beast, patently deaf and unmoved, sound-proof protected inside its fortified lair.

I was born in the year of the dragon so more often than not I tend to breathe fire when I am incensed with the way I am treated. Ordinary folks like myself do not give me the reason to blow my top. Most of the big and mighty provokes my sense of justice that I wish I could fly and sear them into reaction.

Do I hear chuckles? It’s all right. I am smiling, too. I want to laugh at myself for wasting my time staring at that spinning wheel.

Before I sleep, I could wish for a bolt of lightning to strike the main tower of my tormentor so my suffering would be over.

I guess I have to go.

Be well.

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Dense

Second part of the condensed version of Charged (Collection of Short Stories titled Love Is All Around)

– 0 –

PO1 Granada parted through the crowd like Moses dividing the Red Sea. Her uniform did the trick this time, her stature quickly accepted especially when they saw her caress her holstered gun.

“People! What’s going on here?”

“Loverboy there is decimating the flowers!”

The heckler was popular because he knew how to sew up the right words to create laughter. Known in the world as the ever-smiling race, he proved his claim to be the perfect example.

“Sir,” PO1 Granada wondered why on earth the man sat there like a fool, unperturbed by the loathing he repeatedly received. “You have to stop that. Park regulations prohibit people from destroying public property.”

Roger stopped suddenly, the phrase ‘she loves me’ his last. He sensed that the new arrival was different from the people around him.

He turned around casually, ready to defend his actions for all to hear. However, when he saw the police officer who admonished him, his eyes widened.

PO1 Granada gasped, her surprise total. Dispersing the crowd was the first option that crossed her mind. She would lose her credibility if what she feared occurred.

Shut up! Don’t do this to me!

Roger telepathically received the unspoken message, bowing his head to avoid eye contact with anyone. He was a portrait of a criminal, caught in the act of a senseless crime.

“Enough people! You have your entertainment for the day.”

“What about him?” the heckler asked, stopping the crowd from losing interest. “He should be punished.”

“He will be,” the policewoman agreed. “I know my job.”

“I am curious,” the heckler would not leave unsatisfied. “What will be his punishment?”

Roger did not move. He started blaming himself for the stunt he initiated.

“I know,” the heckler roared. “He should gather all the petals on the ground and make a crown. That way we could make him the King of Wishful Thinking. Yeah, like the song.”

The crowd clapped heartily with the suggestion. They began preparing their cellular phones and other gadgets. The scene could be uploaded in YouTube and other social networks.

“Enough!” PO1 Granada had to pronounce her authority. “There would no mob judgment. This is police business now.”

– 0 –

Handcuffed and herded like an ordinary felon, Roger was mum while the policewoman kept her distance. Onlookers watched them, most in a state of bewilderment on what happened.

“I am sorry,” he coughed out.

“Have you lost your mind?” she shot back, walking ram-rod and straight like a proper law enforcer.

They reached the Japanese garden, which was tucked away from the main grounds, unusually free from visitors.

“Give me you hands,” she produced the key to unlock the cuffs. “You do this again and you’ll be more than sorry.”

“I was really desperate since yesterday. I could not sleep. I had to do something to let my mind at ease.”

“Are you at ease now?” she mellowed her delivery.

“It depends on what you’ll decide,” Roger looked like a lamb, well, a bearded lamb who was on the verge of tears.

“You’re the most sincere man I have met,” she clasped his hands. “As a woman, I am supposed to follow the routine, you know. I have to keep you guessing. But …”

“But what?” Roger did not want to hear the usual parting words he heard so many times. Still, he bravely waited for her final say.

“with what you did today, I have to make sure you won’t try other silly performances.”

“So?”

“You’re not a bright person,” PO1 Granada, a.k.a. Sally, jested. “Do I have to spell it out for you?”

THE  END

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Sharp

A fresh start. It seems everything is in order: the sun is shining, the current is flowing, the connection is holding, and I am awake. 🙂

Here’s a condensed version of one of my short stories in the collection Love Is All Around.

Charged

Roger was ecstatic.

Walking briskly toward the park he frequented, he could not help but paint an almost permanent smile on his bearded face. His emotional bliss was brought about by the prospect of acquiring a girlfriend for the first time in his life.

Sally gave him the hint, that most important word to present him with hope: maybe.

There was a long, long list of female names he stashed somewhere to remind him of his heartaches, his forays to courtship that had gone sour before they even started. He was not the type to attract outright the female species: he was effeminate with a muscular built.

– 0 –

Strollers passed him by with most of emotions and degrees of surprise. One homeless male distinctly uttered the word ‘crazy’ behind his back.

“She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, …”

The petals of assorted flowers were scattered around him: they were the victims of his whim, his faith to the old thought handed down through generations of lovers.

He could not pick it correctly. Every time, his performance ended with ‘she loves me not’ and he would repeat the process again.

Two teenagers lingered for a while, an arm’s length distance from his sitting position, observing him like he was a specimen inside an imaginary cage in a zoo. They whispered to each other, giggling quietly lest he could be offended.

A biker, rested from his early-morning round, parked behind where the teens stood, joining the onlookers. From his curled lips, a mocking grin formed.

More spectators milled around: oddities were hard to come by, especially in a public place.

– 0 –

PO1 Granada was not amused by his superior’s antics. A neophyte and a ‘girl’ (the same word spat out with a smirk), she was stationed in the national park to patrol the grounds. Without a partner to converse with, she looked like an ordinary woman in uniform. It was a joke.

Often, she would be accosted by strangers, thinking all along that she was in some kind of a masquerade, a hanger-on of Halloween, costumed all year round.

“Back off,” she warned. “This is a real gun.”

Reciting the same dialogue over and over again made her feel less confident. People did not show her the respect she deserved.

When she saw the crowd, she abruptly banished her distressing thoughts, recovering immediately to perform her sworn duty to preserve the peace and uphold the law.

“Thank heavens!” she sighed. “Something.”

– 0 –

“She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, …”

“You’re wasting your time!”

The loud comment hurt him a bit as if truth was a realization he had to surrender to. The heckler summed up the conclusion of most of those around.

“Let me be!” he shouted. “Go on! Leave!”

– 0 –

(to be concluded)

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Thwarted

Almost all my gripes were swept under the rug when the juice was restored..

Still, last night’s momentum halted to a screech, like a high-speed racer suddenly braking, forced to slow down because darkness impeded a safe journey.

Where were they? Ideas that I mulled about never re-materialized in my head. They were most probably lost in the dream world, smothered by a nightmare of reality.

Tell you what, I feel like I suffered amnesia since I published my last post hours ago. I seemed to forget what I wanted to say today. All right, I did forget.

Even the reliable YouTube fillers, my regular standby posts, were nowhere to be found. I could not do wrong for some days. Today, I had eggs all over my face.

Come to think of it, I am writing this just to let you know how helpless I am right now. It’s like thinking in circles. I could imagine myself like a cat chasing its own tail, a zany spectacle for an owner to watch of his/her pet. I feel like a pet, your pet.

I want to get out of the loop. I fell asleep a moment ago listening to the crooning BeeGees in the background. When I woke up, the screen was black, automatically sent to sleep mode like my brain.

I was awake earlier, tried to read blogs to recover my bearings, but to no avail. I dozed off once more, my fingers rested on the keyboard, four of them occupying the letters, F, U, C, and .

Wakey, wakey! Come on eyes! Do yourselves a favor and open up wide.

Anyway, a great night to everyone, in case I was carted off to bed. If you do not hear from me from this moment on, I am a goner. 😀

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Prick

There’s always a reason to leave the air unexpectedly, like a ghost vanishing into thin air without indications of its disappearance.

Take my case for instance. I was totally engrossed blogging that I failed to realize my battery indicator blinked for a long time. It was too late when I found out I would be given no more extension to my quality time. To think that the connection was unusually smooth, then in a few minutes, it could not be fully taken advantage of.

What a life!

We were so blessed. After midnight, we were ushered into complete silence, given the opportunity to sleep soundly while the dark surroundings gratefully welcomed the natural noises till the early morning.

We woke up, expectant that we would begin the weekend without hitches. But, it’s a quiet Saturday to experience, unplugged from the world outside ours, isolated from the worries of people elsewhere.

Some people were too preoccupied how to prepare breakfast. At least the dependable firewood stove was nearby, solving the issue of cooking.

Overall, we love the switch back to the basics. We were grateful to be given the opportunity to ponder what was wrong with us, being too dependent on modern appliances and why we were selected for the honor to have an electricity-absent morning.

More than thirteen hours of savings from our bills. Hurrah!

P.S. If this post sounds sarcastic, so be it.

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Accessible

There was a small task that required my attention a few hours ago. It was not part of my daily routine but somewhat akin to what I mentioned in an earlier post about information dissemination.

A teacher imparts knowledge to students. I am not a teacher per se but I could entertain young people whenever they approach me concerning assistance about their studies. Frankly, I do not charge a fee as a tutor simply because I am no tutor. I regard myself as someone who can help when I can or if I can.

You might recall a story I told about some Trigonometry problems brought to me by a Civil Engineering freshman. Lessons of long ago come back to my mind as if they were stored in a vault and opened in a flash when the need arises. Even I was amazed at how easy for me to adjust to the situation which at first terrified me if I could not explain the matter in a satisfactory fashion. At least, after a while I calmed down to extend the help I was asked for.

This time, much to my relief, I was shown a short report to proofread and edit. I would give my student A plus for effort. However, the revision was total, cutting most of it and rewriting what was left on paper. It would be unjustifiably harsh (for one’s grade) if I let my student pass the report as it was.

One thing I make sure when I assist students is to see to it that they understood what I taught them. I often tell them that I could answer their homework but I could not sit in class and take the test for them.

I am always relieved whenever they come back smiling. That’s worth the short time and effort I spent to show I did care.

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