Spaces

Gaps. Pauses.

Enthusiasm. Deflated.

Concentration. Aimless.

I thought I was ready to continue normal living. Alas, the difficulties cling to me like a malicious virus immune to removal. Perhaps, too soon is not for me. I tried hard to pick up where I left off but it would not work out. It was not me the way it used to be.

Can’t blame you all for your confusion, even disappointment for my online behavior. I suck, big time. There’s no excuse for giving you expectations which I could not exactly provide. I am at my worse, at this point the villain, the character who could not fulfill promises.

I have to stay offline most days to distract my mind from thinking of the would-haves, should-haves, could-haves-been, and all those scenarios that are worthless now. I have to focus on tomorrow yet the present won’t cooperate to subdue the past into becoming a blur for a time, giving me enough respite to see clearly where I am heading,

Inaction. Guilt.

Remorse. Redemption.

Time. Hope.

Lucidity still escapes my train of thoughts. I am not surprised at all.

I want to be back for good but I am still torn between two opposing halves. One is raring to go active surfing while the other half wants to be physically tired each day to force early sleep. During the past months, the latter practically dominated the former.

Nothing.

Something.

Patience.

 

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Validation

Freedom!

(Did you see the huge exclamation point?)

If I could sing like him, I’ll do it often. ūüôā

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Finality

Believe me, I know what real pain is.

How would you feel when you profess the truth about your feelings and the person you love would not trust you? She makes you part of her life but she believes her imaginary fear that you are like every man who abandoned her. How do you reverse her notion?

I experienced it first hand. With cultural difference already a barrier, I felt like an accused pleading innocence but the judge already found me guilty of my crime without culpable reason.

Was it a crime to be a foreigner and love a local girl?

Was it a crime to help her raise a son from the man who left her?

Was it a crime to ask her of marriage?

There was love. For her, it was enough. For me, it wasn’t. I needed her complete trust.

Months passed but I still failed.

Pain was when I could not open my heart for her to see that I was telling the truth. Pain was hearing her constant words that I would not be the last man to leave her. Pain was when her son began to discover I could be a father he could never have. Pain was when I accepted I could not measure up with her image of her knight in shining armor.

She won.

We ended our relationship because I could not handle the pain. I was dying. Love killed me slowly.

Our fates crossed but separated. Mine led me back home.

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Hidden Design

It was lunch time when I finally summoned the courage to show myself in public. I was well informed as to how a small incident could become the flavor of the day in various circles around the village. All it would take was one person telling the story and one collaborating it.

As male, what happened in the morning was not too embarrassing. It was rather customary for men to go out topless because of the heat. Of course, partly downless was perhaps unusual but it could happen even to the most careful like myself.

‚ÄúHi,¬†there¬†sexy!‚Ä̬†called¬†out¬†another¬†kumppare¬†in¬†jest.¬†He¬†lived¬†a¬†kilometer¬†away from my place. “Someone told me that your bird nearly flew out from its nest.”

When I got teased, I normally laughed it off. But this was literally below the belt.

‚ÄúThat‚Äôs¬†absurd!¬†It¬†did¬†not¬†happen¬†that¬†way!‚ÄĚI¬†wanted¬†to¬†retell¬†the¬†whole¬†story though I guessed it would be immaterial because he had already conceived in his mind what he believed happened.

‚ÄúYou¬†don‚Äôt¬†have¬†to¬†be¬†ashamed,¬†man.¬†I¬†had¬†a¬†similar experience before.”

‚ÄúIt¬†was¬†an¬†accident.¬†Ask¬†Joe.¬†He‚Äôll¬†tell¬†exactly¬†what transpired.”

‚ÄúCome¬†on!¬†Don‚Äôt¬†be¬†so¬†touchy.¬†You¬†know¬†how¬†we¬†rural¬†folks¬†think.¬†Tomorrow¬†you¬†will be old news.”

‚ÄúHow¬†did¬†you¬†pick¬†up¬†the¬†juicy¬†bit¬†of¬†information?‚ÄĚ

‚ÄúLet¬†me¬†think!‚Ä̬†he¬†looked¬†up¬†to¬†the¬†heavens¬†as¬†if¬†recalling¬†the¬†sequence¬†of¬†events. “A group of women bought fish from a vendor. She rode a tricycle to the coast. With her were three other passengers plus the driver. He is my neighbor.”

‚ÄúExcept¬†for¬†‚Äėthe¬†bird¬†nearly¬†flying¬†out¬†the¬†nest‚Äô¬†invention, what other particulars you heard?”

‚ÄúYou¬†don‚Äôt¬†want¬†to¬†know,‚Ä̬†he¬†tried¬†not¬†to¬†laugh.¬†‚ÄúLeave it at that, man.”

“You‚Äôre¬†my¬†friend,¬†right?‚ÄĚ

He shook his head several times as if weighing his options.

‚ÄúBy the way, do¬†you really wear¬†polka-dotted underwear?”

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Soul

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

A Whisper says:

Unseen from the outside,

A miracle on the inside.

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Pinkies

A Whisper playfully muses:

A weird feeling came over me,

One day when I was under a tree,

I looked at both of you, oh, I see,

You are so cute as ever will be.

But if I have eight fingers only,

Missing you two accidentally,

Would my hands look lovely,

I cannot claim that, certainly.

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Release

Truly, you are wild, untamed,

Just a head over head beast,

Vanity over pride, you’re named,

Uncontrolled to say the least.

Remove me from your clutches,

Let me have humble moments,

Defining my genuine matches,

When modesty deprives laments.

Can I cut you off completely?

I ask but you do not bother,

Cannot turn you off permanently,

I know but I need a breather.

How I wish I could wound you,

And bleed your narcissism dry,

Want to teach you vulnerability,

Surely, I want to give that a try.

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