Soul Search

Trust was too elusive. That two-way mutuality absent, prevented to flourish.

I could have stayed. Friends coaxed me to charge it to experience.

I went as far North as possible to escape. The extreme cold numbed me physically, emotionally though I still burned, the flames could not be extinguished so easily.

I ran away but she was always beside me in my waking hours. Her features seemed to adorn the face of every woman I met on the streets. It was too difficult to disengage from her even if I was far away.

I had to make a decision, more painful as it was but necessary.

What’s the point of wandering about a country not my own, looking for a place to find happiness with someone I loved? The painful reminders would not stop as I spoke the language we shared. Nothing could change the result of our parting: I was already denied, distrusted for something I was not given to chance to prove otherwise.

Whenever I heard a familiar song played on the local radio, I could only stop whatever I was doing, wherever I was, and listened to the words that eerily described what happened to us. Would I not be driven to tears? Would the wasted opportunity be readily forgotten?

In a major way, she possessed the proof, not in my case, but with what other men did which she could see around: other women with children from mixed-race relationships, left alone to endure the cruelties of a biased society. Those examples were too much for her not to consider.

But why should I be compared to those irresponsible men? Was there even an indication I would follow their lead? She said nothing.

I was too puzzled to think of answers. The pain that caused her to distrust men could have been too traumatic that even my genuine love was not enough to heal her. It would have helped if she told me what to do: she offered nothing.

Till this day, I could still see her in my mind like all the women I loved. She had that uniqueness, most especially her flowing red hair, making me proud whenever we walked together. Back then, I often told her that we would grow old together. That was not to be.

It has been a long time since I really loved someone like her. Perhaps, I would never be the same again.



5 thoughts on “Soul Search

  1. dear belsbror, your stories about love are so…so talk so good on women’s language and i wonder…why? you deserve a goddess next to you…I’m sure you will find her if you open your heart with courage and be honest in your love for her…happy ending, my you believe that it is possible..or love is only pain and illusion? tell me, please, my favourite love’s teacher.

    1. I was young then, idealism flowed in my blood.
      I never realized that I would fall in love the second time around much different than the first. I was detached the first time and too dedicated the second. Perhaps, I did not find the middle ground. Both times, I got hurt.
      As I stated in my post Said, if love is included with my fate, so be it.
      As to your question, I believe you will get your answer once you experienced it (happy ending). I hope and pray that you will have it.
      Personally, though, I believe love is everything and all in between. Your experience might be a lot different than mine. And I wish you don’t encounter pain like I did.

      1. my dear friend..i know you were young, i am so impatient to read your present stories…thank you for your thougths…i wish for you and me too a happy love story without ending 🙂 blessing!

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