“I did not leave.”
“You always do,” she said sadly.
The meaning of sharing confused me, not her. We shared the material things and mentally it worked. But emotionally, she sacrificed a lot to teach me what it should be. I wasn’t prepared to give up my freedom.
“You want what you want,” she told me once, forgiving my faults for the nth time.
“I am sure you do, too,” I replied automatically, trying to move on as quickly as possible.
“No, I want what we want. There’s a big difference.”
A few years was not enough to complete my transformation. She failed to mold me as her ideal man. I did not help her to make me who I was supposed to be.
She gave me all the chances in the world yet I did not take advantage of them. She was my ideal woman but only up to a point. I was too preoccupied with living the carefree life.
“You love me and yet you do not love me.”
“I don’t understand.” I could feel her disappointment.
“You do but you won’t.”
The blame was all mine because I drove her out of my life. She could not bring me back: I was already lost.
Fate dictated her departure. Our paths were destined to separate. She fought it: I surrendered to it.
“Goodbye, my love.”
With those words, my first serious relationship ended.
When she was gone, only then I realized part of me was paralyzed. I was a man out of love and unloved.
It was never easy to forget her nor I would want to. I needed our shared memories to last so that I would always know what pain really was, is.
I saw my future: it was blank. Perhaps, love can paint something beautiful on it.